Maintaining separate households and thinking outside of the box ….

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I have one of the oddest, most unconventional lives of anyone I know, I think.  That is the reason for the name of my blog, The Husbandless Housewife.  I live in a house with my three boys and my stepdaughter.  My widowed fiance lives across town with two of his other children (He has an adult daughter who doesn’t live with him as well).  He goes to work and I stay at home (in my house) with his daughter mostly.  Most likely, this will not change for a long time.

How did we get here?  I was working for a large hospital system full time and coming home each day after ten hours a day to start over again at home with the boys and our nightly routines.  I was exhausted, I couldn’t keep up with my housework, we were eating out a whole lot and I couldn’t keep up with the boys activities either.  He was struggling to keep his house and children afloat as well with constantly rotating caregivers. About a year and a half ago, an opportunity to work from home (making more money) fell into my lap.  I hopped right on it.  I was able to work from home, didn’t have to commute for two hours a day anymore, and I could care for Star as well.  I was ecstatic.  It was actually one of the best and most exciting times in my life.  Just six months later, the company I was working for from home closed it’s doors.  I no longer had a job at all.  I really, really, really did not want to go back to the office.  I really enjoyed the clean, organized house, having time to cook every day, having time to know exactly what was going on with the boys and giving Star the full time care she deserves.  We definitely did throw ideas around about working part time and moving in together, which personally I think would have been relationship suicide for us at the time.  So we moved stuff around, I’m able to have Star with me here full time, he doesn’t have to pay caregivers anymore and I found a part time gig in the mornings when everyone is at school.  I help a woman (who I now consider a close friend) with quadriplegia.  Again, I was seriously thinking outside of the box on this one too as I have never done caregiving and knew nothing about quadriplegia.  I’ve actually come to love it though.  It has been extremely humbling and enlightening for me.  It also ensures that I get my butt up and ready every morning, which I wouldn’t have done otherwise.

Here we are again, as we have just found out that the company that he works for is now going under.  He has been there for ten years.  I have complete faith that he will land something right away, but he will probably be taking a hefty cut in pay and work a lot of twelve hour days starting out.  That means we don’t know if we will still be able to financially support two households and he will need more help again with his kids.  We have been having more proactive conversations lately about how to live with all of the kids under the same roof and boundaries which makes the idea of living together a little more attractive, but I’m still scared out of my mind to take that step.

 

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Parenting a child with ADHD ….the fine line between helping and enabling

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My thirteen year old son’s progress report came in the mail today.  I was sick to my stomach before I even opened it.  I knew it wouldn’t be good, he hasn’t had a good one in years.  My son, Aiden (he has the same name as my guy’s son) was diagnosed with ADHD minus the hyperactivity (not just ADD then?  I don’t know) a few years ago.  He has never been in any trouble at school, I’ve been told repeatedly by teachers and staff that he’s a great kid.  He just can’t focus and has a hard time learning.

I knew he was different from my other two boys from the very beginning.  As an infant, I swore he hated me.  He would cry for hours on end and in turn, have me in tears as well.  As a toddler, he never backed down from a tantrum.  The methods that I used on my older son had no effect on him.  Before starting school, I tried to teach him his letters and numbers beforehand, as I had with my older son.  I could not get past the letter B.  Repetition did nothing for him.  I put him in a two year kinder class and hoped for the best.  He was always a bit behind but socialized well and was making it through.  Up until the fifth grade.  I started getting alarming report cards.  He was falling way behind.  I started meeting with teachers, principals and counselors.  I did all of the things that were suggested.  It didn’t help.  At one of the meetings, the principal suggested that I take him to get screened for ADD.  I had always suspected this but just really didn’t want to make it a reality.

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I took him to get evaluated by a psychologist and he was formally diagnosed with ADHD (minus the hyperactivity).  It literally broke my heart sitting there reading those reports.  I wanted him to “grow out of it”.  I wanted better for him.  So I took what I had back to the school and we drew up a formal 504 plan.  Personally, I feel that with a 504 plan, if you have the right teacher who truly understands and is there to help and accommodate the child with their disability, it does help.  If you don’t, it really doesn’t.  He had an excellent teacher in the sixth grade (still elementary school here) who really helped him out and he did better.

Now enter junior high with seven separate classes and seven separate teachers.  Right away, the negative progress reports started rolling back in.  I was told that the 504 plan would roll over to the junior high, it didn’t, they didn’t know about it.  I called his teachers, I met with his counselor, we etched out a new 504 plan.  It has not helped.  However, I have not been taking accountability as his parent.  I have not been double checking the online portal for missing assignments, I have been taking his word for it when he says he has no homework for the day.  I have been letting him spend his time playing his PS4 for hours every day.  I haven’t been dealing with it like I know that I have to.  I wanted to follow my own belief that at thirteen, he knows what he has to do and therefore, he will do it.  Maybe I was still hoping that he would “grow out of it”, denial is a beast.  What I have found with Aiden though, is that he’s easily overwhelmed when he doesn’t understand and so he just acts like it doesn’t exist.  Sounds like me.  I’ve been treating him the same way that I would treat my other two sons and as I should know by now, I CAN’T.  He’s different, he has a learning disability and he has given up.

Back to the progress report today, he is failing almost all of his classes so far, including PE.  This was the big eye opener for me today as he is very athletic and has no reason to fail PE.  This tells me that he has given up trying.  I have always told him that I won’t be upset as long as I know and can tell that he’s trying his best.  He is not trying at all.   I have to immediately A) hold him accountable and B) help him.  I hate micromanaging and I have to accept that at least for now, this child needs the micromanagement.  I took the PS4 from the room and won’t be giving it back until each grade goes up and I will help him to do this however I can while checking myself to make sure that I’m helping him and not enabling him.

Parenting my special needs stepchild ….

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As a stepparent, we have all had somebody at some point tell us, “When you married him, you married his children.”  We usually stay quiet and nod politely because we know that it is too much of a hassle to try to explain to somebody who doesn’t understand that no, I didn’t marry his children, I married him.  I did, however, promise to try to be the best stepparent I can be to his kids.  I, however, am promising to “marry” one of his children along with him.  His daughter Star is sixteen and has special needs.  She is non-verbal, she cannot hear and is delayed.  She will never be independent enough to live on her own or even do daily tasks such as cook her own food.  She will be with us until we die.  She will always need not just a caregiver, but a parent.

In the beginning of the relationship, naturally, I did not take care of her, he did, along with family members and various babysitters.  I was just getting to know her.  She did not immediately take to me, she didn’t know who the heck I was.  She didn’t understand why the person who had always taken care of her (her mother) was no longer here and why all of these other people suddenly were.  When she wasn’t following her dad’s every move, she was angry and throwing things around the house in almost daily tantrums.  She refused to sleep unless someone slept in the room with her with the lights off.  She had caregivers coming to her home and though the intention was good, doing everything for her (including spoon feeding) and further impairing her.  Dad didn’t know how to care for a teenage girl with special needs, her mom had always done it.  Her siblings didn’t know what to do so they would just lock themselves up in their rooms and try to ignore it all.

I attended a meeting with her teacher in the beginning of that year.  Her teacher was disappointed at how much progress she had lost.  She wanted to be spoon fed at school (she knows how to feed herself), she was usually quite tired and lethargic as she would stay up fighting with her dad a lot of nights.  The meeting really gave me a lot of insight as far as what this child was really capable of but was not really being allowed to do due to circumstances.

As time passed, she became comfortable with me and started spending a lot more time with me in public and at my house on her own.  I started testing the waters with her and learned that she could do most things all on her own.  She EATS, brushes her teeth, brushes her hair, washes herself in the shower, plays independently and with others and sleeps in her own bed in her own room.  She had no behavior problems when we were alone together (minus dad).  However, as soon as dad showed up, her problems would come right back.  She would get aggressive as soon as he arrived to my house and would go right back to her old ways at his house.  It was like being half way through reading a book and having to start all over again from the first chapter every time.  She knew that he would allow her to act however she liked and there were no consequences.  So I started giving her consequences (taking the tablet away and time outs) and slowly, she started to change.

When I began working from home, I also began taking Star on full time.  She has her own room at my house and is with me full time.  She spends the night at dad’s house twice a week with no problems.  I actually feel lucky because with how overcompensating he can be with the kids, he listened to me when I explained that I needed the full capacity of being able to care for her.  If he was undermining me with her care, I wouldn’t do it and I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with him.  I need her to be as independent as she possibly can, I need her to know appropriate behavior, I don’t want to have to deal with a thirty five year old her throwing stuff around the house during a fit all because she was never taught any better.  I’m also lucky that she’s receptive, I know that all children are different and that’s not the case all of the time.

I know that I am not her “real” mom, she has one who unfortunately can’t be here with her any longer.  But I do love her as my child and consider myself lucky to be able to be the mom that is able to be here with her to love her and teach her (when she’s not teaching me).

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Marrying a widower….Everyone loves a martyr….

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Gabe and I got engaged recently in December and have set a date for this coming October to be married.  We’re not having a huge reception, it will probably include about a hundred people.  We didn’t want to have anything too expensive or too large as we have a lot of responsibilities with our kids but we feel that we would like to do a little more than taking a trip to city hall.

We were talking today and he mentioned that he still has not announced the date to his mom.  He is worried that she is going to be less than thrilled about us spending the money on the reception and what people will think.  He has tried to talk to her previously about eventually selling his house and moving on and though it’s nothing personal, she wasn’t the biggest fan as she’s not someone who likes change.  A couple of months ago, his aunt asked his mom where his girlfriend was as she thought that I lived with them and his mom told her, “Oh no, she doesn’t live here, she’s like his friend who helps him a lot.”  What?  He did tell her immediately that that was not true and he planned on getting married soon.  Again, it’s nothing personal, I know that she likes me and we get along great.  The thing is though, she would like to live in denial and see her son as the poor widower raising up three motherless children without another interest in the world.  She would also like everyone else to believe this as well.  I think it’s partly cultural and partly generational.  In her generation, when your spouse dies, you don’t move on.  You can recall fond memories of them for the rest of your days and everyone will see you as a respectable widow(er).  In his case, it’s even more admirable as he can be a respectable widower who supported his children and raised them all single handed.  Needless to say, she is not the only one with this thought process.

During the wake of a death, there is always literally dozens (or more) people promising their everlasting love and help (whatever I can do) to the survivor(s).  As the weeks and months pass, most of these people have dropped off from the face of the earth.  THEY move on.  As in his case as well, he had tons of help from family and in-laws in the beginning with his household and children.  Over time, the help dwindled and he had to look to babysitters and housekeepers for help.  For the most part, we have found, when you need this type of full time help, it’s almost impossible to find someone who’s reliable.  So who is left to help?  Yeah, that would be me.  I find the hypocrisy fascinating, all of these people who would love for this young widower to just stick it out and be respectable and alone, however, they are more than happy for his partner to take on the kids and the things that they no longer have time for, as THEY have moved on.

In the end, he can either be everyone’s favorite martyr or HE can move on and be happy.

 

Living apart together and dating single parents….When you’re dating ‘Super Dad’….

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Have you ever saw a single dad doting on his adorable children, loudly exclaiming, “My kids are my world!” and thought to yourself, “Wow, how cute, what a great dad, I would love to marry a guy like that”?  A lot of us have.  But what is it actually like to be in a relationship with Mr. My-kids-are-my-world guy?  Let me tell you.

At first, you see it just like everyone else does, it’s adorable and endearing and sunshine and rainbows.  You want to join in on making those children happy, you send them cookies, you buy them toys and overlook any misbehavior as the kids just being kids and dad just being a single dad.  It’s all good.  They are a little “shy” at first, but they’ll come around and grow to love you, you tell yourself.

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Time passes and you start to notice a few things.  It wasn’t very cute when one of the kids threw themselves to the floor in a tantrum and super dad passed it off as said child ‘was just tired’.  But you stay quiet, it’s not your place.  You also start to realize that maybe the kids aren’t very “shy”, they just don’t really like you taking up their dad’s time or space.

Soon enough, you start looking at the big picture.  Every time you come by super dad’s house, his bedroom now has tons of kids’ items scattered around as they change in there (despite having their own rooms and being old enough to dress themselves) and if you’re lucky, sometimes there’s even a kid sleeping in his bed when you arrive.  Short departures where the kids are left with a sitter are met with tears on the kids’ part and complete guilt on dad’s part.  When one of the children’s tablet’s batteries run out, you are expected to offer them your phone.  When you refuse, you are just mean.  If a phone call from one of the children is not immediately answered, expect ten more immediately after until dad picks up.  Don’t even think about having a private conversation with super dad if the children are within the vicinity, they will immediately feel ‘bored’ and dad will do anything that he can to make sure that he can provide proper entertainment.  Dad still thinks all of this makes him look like an adorable super dad, yet when you realize that he’s not just a ‘doting dad’ but he’s pacifying instead of parenting, it’s not so cute anymore.   You begin to resent super dad.

So what do you do?  It depends.  It depends on if super dad is open to change and or suggestions or not.  If he is not, just run.  Don’t look back.  Let me repeat myself, run.  If he is open to change and suggestions, if you choose to stick it out, do not expect change overnight.  It’s not going to happen and it will be hundreds of discussions and times that you will be fed up before you see significant change with a single dad who is used to guilt parenting instead of engaging in the ugly part of parenting.  In our case, it has been over three years and we are still not all the way there yet.  We have come a long way but we are still nowhere near the point to where it would be ideal to try to combine parenting styles and a living situation.  It has been a slow, uphill battle.  I’m in a relationship with a young widower who, even prior to losing his wife, was the ‘hero’ parent, he was not the disciplinarian.  His kids also lost their mother so he tried to make them as happy as he possibly could.  Understandable, yes.  Okay for the long term?  No.  If my super dad wants to be in a relationship with me, he must parent his children and put enough room aside for our relationship as well.

Dating a widower and birthdays….

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I was talking to Gabe earlier today and he mentioned that his mom’s birthday is coming up soon.  “You’re going this year”, he said.  “We’ll see, I really don’t want the drama and the awkwardness to taint your mom’s day”, I replied.  I like his mom, A LOT.  She’s a really nice person and I am so grateful for her love and support.  His mom is not the problem.  The problem is the backlash that will ensue from his daughter Nicole.  When she’s unhappy she can be very difficult, silent and or combative.  Sharing a meal with her at a table is torture for everyone when she’s like this.  Nobody knows what to say.  If something is said to her, you can count on a fight.  Who wants to do this for his mom’s birthday?  Not me.  So last year, I sent my birthday wishes along with him and did not go.  I know his mom feels bad, yet I know that she’s also grateful for the lack of drama.  So then he says, “Enough is enough, if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to go.”  I have a real problem with a granddaughter not attending a grandmother’s birthday but where does it end?  I don’t know the answer to that yet.

This got me thinking about all of the birthdays and events that I have either opted out of or have been extremely sorry that I did attend.  Actually, I didn’t even realize that this was a theme until I started writing about it, so it’s definitely something that we need to think about.

There was the year that his late wife would have turned forty (She had been gone for quite some time). We had already been together for about a year and a half when his in laws planned a huge bash and then asked if they could have the party at his house.  What could he say?   If he said no, he would have looked like a heartless jerk, even if he was dating someone else.  So they had the party, it looked like a blast on social media (kidding), and I stayed home a bit disgruntled about it but I got it.

The following year, he planned a huge party for his daughter Star’s fifteenth birthday.  Her mom had always said that she would make sure that she had this party for her because she shouldn’t have to miss out on it just because she has special needs.  I agreed.  He wasn’t planning on throwing the party any longer and I told him he should respect her mom’s wishes and follow through.  So he announced it and we started planning.  All of a sudden, people he had not heard from in months started popping up, wanting to take Star to buy a dress and make the cake.  All of a sudden, his mother in law announces that If I’m attending, she will not be attending her own granddaughter’s birthday party as it was what her daughter really wanted and should be there.  Again, I got it, I understood.  BUT….I was heartbroken.  I had done the planning, I was invested in this party and more importantly, invested in Star.  I parent her, I bathe her, I make sure she behaves, I taught her to sleep in her own bed again, I love her like my own child and I couldn’t wait to see her look so beautiful in her dress.  I have made a lifetime commitment to this child.  So yet again, I didn’t go.  I was very hurt and very angry but she should have her family with her on her birthday, especially her moms’ mom.

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Star on her big day

This past year, Star’s sixteenth birthday fell on a school day.  We let her take the day off and her to Downtown Disney, just the two of us, since parties are expensive, it was a weekday and everyone was in school and at work.  We took her to Build A Bear with a gift card she had been given the previous year and to lunch at Rainforest Cafe.  She loved it.  So he posts pictures on social media and immediately received a nastygram text from his sister in law saying she felt left out and why was he intentionally leaving her out of the kids’ lives.  Wait, what?  First, she forgot that it was her birthday until she saw the picture and second, taking the girl to lunch and Build A Bear was not a big deal.  I told him to think about his response before he responded because it’s not worth it to respond with hostility.  He did that, she was embarrassed and apologized.  I feel like part of it was a defense mechanism on her part due to feeling bad about forgetting in the first place.  Later on that evening, his mother in law called to wish her a happy birthday, she had forgotten as well.

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Star’s 16th birthday at Downtown Disney

This past year, his eight year old son Aiden had a birthday party at his house.  It was a smaller party so I did attend, though weary due to his other sister in law whom I had never met was visiting from out of state.  A half hour in and I regretted it.  His other sister in law along with his brother in law did come over to say hello politely as I sat with his mom and Star at a table.  The rest of the night consisted of the men all sitting together in a group and the women, with tight lipped smiles, looking over and gossiping like middle schoolers all evening.  I could tell that his poor mom was embarrassed for me and felt obligated to keep me company as I was not invited to sit with the gossip crew.  I don’t blame them for not inviting me, they wouldn’t have had anyone to talk about had I sat with them.

Anyone else who sees a theme here?  So my dilemma is, when is enough enough and how do we deal with it?  I still don’t know the answer.  There has got to be a happy medium where I’m not treated like a man stealing hussy and they are not being alienated due to bad behavior.  It’s extremely hard to explain this to people who feel they have the right to disregard others and their feelings due to their own grief and anger.

Living apart together and parenting apart together (Sort of)

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For us, the main reason for living apart and maintaining our own households is a difference in parenting styles and working on ourselves and our own households before combining them.  The alternative, of course, would be to just jump right into it and pray that everything works out for the best.

From the very beginning of our relationship, it has been clear that Gabe and I disagree on A LOT of issues regarding parenting and how a household should be run.  He is a lot more detailed than I am on some things.  He bases a lot of what he focuses on on what he believes others’ perceptions of him will be.  His focuses differ greatly from mine.  He will run around bleaching toilets and cleaning kids rooms before someone arrives (his house smells wonderful, by the way), yet he will not notice whether his kids have said hello to his guests or being unkind to the children guests.  I have known this man to change his bedspread in fear that people may notice that he always has the same one on his bed every time they visit.  I, on the other hand, will graze over my house quickly, pick it up so it’s neat (not necessarily bleached), threaten to ground the kids until their room is clean (enough) and give them a ten minute talk about how they are to greet everyone, be polite and include the children who are visiting.  He focuses more on being presentable and making sure everyone knows that dad has his stuff together, I focus more on guests feeling comfortable and having a good time.  If only it was easy enough to combine these qualities into one household.

We have two different experiences and two separate points of views.  I have been a single mom for about ten years.  I have had to force the boys to be independent when need be to a certain extent and to improvise.  Sometimes, there was no other choice and it has forced me to not count on perfection.  They need to make their own cereal, they need to get themselves dressed, they need to entertain themselves as well.  Over the years, I have not had the time luxury to do all of the little things for them that they can do themselves and I’m most definitely not their personal clown who has something to entertain them with every time they are bored.  They understand these things and they are still happy and well adjusted.  The best part is, when I do have the time to do something special or out of the ordinary for them, they appreciate it and they know that they are loved. Yet still, I have lots of room for improvement, I do try to focus more on smaller things and being a bit more detailed, it just makes life easier sometimes.  He, on the other hand is a widowed father.  His wife did all of the parenting when she was alive and he was the provider and the ‘hero’.  People don’t change overnight.   Understandably, to try to somehow compensate for the kids’ loss, he overcompensated with them by trying to become the perfect dad and caregiver.  To add to this, he is a people pleaser, he loves to make people happy and he loves being a hero to his kids.  The kids, again understandably, have become accustomed to being catered to and not being accountable for their own responsibilities and behavior.  He focused so much on the short term (cleaning the kids’ rooms for them, keeping them happy by not giving them consequences when they were rude or downright mean to him) that now, in the long term, he is slowly trying to undo these things and well, it’s hard.

Over the years, we have gone back and forth with each other about ways that we feel the other should change and also things that we would like to change about ourselves in order to become better partners and parents.  I am so grateful that we have been able to do this in separate homes rather than in a shared household where we would be making unnecessary and unfair comparisons out of frustration and anger.  We have been able to implement the changes with our own kids and households on our own, without the other parent having to be blamed or labeled the bad guy responsible for these changes in order to make life together not just bearable, but happy eventually.  It’s an ongoing process and I do believe that one day, we will get there.

 

Blended families living together apart (LAT) and maintaining separate households …..Part Two

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I had a free day today but had SO much to do and catch up with.  So instead of writing a whole lot, I did some reading and came across this article about a blended family living apart together (LAT).  This woman spoke as if she were me, literally, and we are now besties, though she doesn’t know it.   Here’s the link:

https://www.pressreader.com/uk/daily-mail/20161010/

ALL of it stuck out to me but this was the BIG one:  “Relationships that work can be fluid in this way.  We don’t have to all stick to societal norms.”   Amen Sista.

Dating a widower….His friends and their wives…

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One of the biggest challenges that I have personally faced while dating a widower is his social circle, particularly his friends’ wives.  I have found a couple of diamonds in all of that dirt whom I just love and have an actual friendship with, but they are few and far between.

I knew things were going to be ugly a few years ago when Gabe got a phone call from his buddy Jude.  This was a half hour prior to me needing to drop Star and his son Aiden off to his sister in law.  Yay.  Jude:  “Hey man, the girls seem to think that you and Jenna were having an affair while your wife was still alive, you’re gonna have to do something to let them know that that’s not true.”  Wait, what?  Why couldn’t Jude just tell his gossipy wife to stop spreading rumors when he knew himself that this wasn’t true?  And so, it started.  The gossip.  I drop the kids off with his sister in law thirty minutes later and she’s understandably short with me as she now thinks that i was having an affair with her sister’s husband.  Awesome.  I did not and do not have a relationship with her to have a discussion with her to try to diffuse rumors.  And I shouldn’t have to do that anyways, it’s not my job.  It’s his.  They are his friends, his people.

For me at least, going into this situation, I feel that a lot of these women and even some of the men felt that it was my obligation to prove myself to them and to make them like me, their logic being that they have “been around longer”.  I disagree.  My only obligation is to be my usual nice self, be courteous and understanding and that’s it.  Just because I’m in a relationship with their friend, does not mean that I now need their approval or to go out of my way to make them my friends as well.  I think that a lot of the time, from reading and from my own situation, the people in the widower’s life completely forget that this new woman has her own family, her own established friends/ social circle, her own life and a lot of times, her own children.  For me personally, it would be nice if they liked me and we could all get along but . I wasn’t set out to make new friends.  In fact, how would they know any of this?  They never asked.  They never thought past themselves.  I have heard this saying and it rings true so many times:  Grief can be very selfish.

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There have been many incidents since that day, that I tried to see past.  Most of them centered around one person in particular, Jude’s wife Julie.  Julie is known as the Queen Gossiper and I suspect she thinks that she is the Queen Bee.  There have been many parties where I was not invited to sit with the women and sat quietly with his daughter Star while they would just stare and whisper among themselves, like a bunch of tenth graders.  There have also been several more ridiculous rumors crafted, my personal favorite being that my oldest son is really Gabe and my love child.  This one made me giggle.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how they choose to treat me or what ridiculous rumors they make up.  I don’t associate with Julie nor allow her on any social media of mine.  The sad part is only that by doing these things, it has really distanced Gabe and Jude a great deal.  By not wanting their social circle to change, they did end up changing it as Gabe is not a huge part of it as he once was.  He feels that he has to be careful of what he says and does now around people who he once felt comfortable.  He turns down some events now to avoid a shark tank.

It’s funny how things can change, he has another friend couple, Charlie and Mary, who have been nothing but supportive.  He was already close to Charlie but usually only got together socially within the group.  He now seeks them out as these are some of the only people whom he feels completely comfortable around.  Death and grief change so many things and so many relationships.  It can make some people become more compassionate and it can make some people become monsters.

Dear Special Ed: Don’t put my kid in a diaper all day, she is a person….

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This has been an unusually cold week for us, cold and rainy.  The kids have been in pants and sweaters all week.  Today, I go to pick up my stepdaughter Star from school, like I do every day at 2:30.  She’s 16, has special needs and is non verbal.  She’s also very smart.  Things she loves include, her hair, makeup, her ipad and my oldest son Andrew.  Anyways, I pull up and she’s standing outside by herself with some weird boy shorts on.  There’s no one around to ask why the change of clothes and there’s no note in her backpack.   We get in the car and I see the bag with her dirty pants and underwear in it, she got sick and had an accident.  I want to make this very clear, Star does NOT have accidents unless she is sick.  She uses the bathroom on her own like everyone else and has never had an accident at school.  She does NOT wear diapers either.  She has been in the same class with the same teacher for three years.

We get home and she runs to the bathroom, she is still sick.  I check on her and notice she has a huge diaper on under the weird boy shorts.  Here’s the thing, we have literally gotten a call from the school before telling us that she’s sleepy so we should pick her up.  So she gets sick at school, has an accident, and you can’t think to call me?  You would rather put a huge diaper on her with lord knows whos’ shorts (when it’s under 50 degrees outside), make her walk around like that all day and then just leave her to fend for herself at pick up?

The big kicker is that we have a relationship with this teacher.  She knows how Star is and she knows how particular we are with her, especially her hygiene.  For the most part, I really like her teacher, perhaps she had an off day.  But I’m still simmering in this and will be sending her a nice email explaining that I need a phone call if this ever happens again.  That’s all that I can do for now.